It's All About Allen's Blog

an open letter to the universe

2010-05-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

I remember getting home from work, closing the company for the evening after yet another interesting and productive day on the way to achieving success I had only hoped for and changing into a bathing suit and jumping into the newly tiled spa in the backyard. I remember my wife at the time, joining as well and then my son who came following her out the beveled and leaded sliding oak patio doors.

I remember swirling around in the spa, creating a current with my son as we played together before we lied back and relaxed as the water swirled it’s patterns around our bodies. I remember looking up at the two story house we had purchased with my entire future yet to unfold and thinking that it just can’t get better than this.

I remember waiting for my parents to arrive for Christmas Eve with Mom and Dad bringing present after present to place under the tree in the living room before settling in for a candle lit dinner in the dining room. I remember picking up the dishes after the meal and conversation and piling them into the dishwasher in preparation for the gift opening to begin. I remember Mom and Dad sitting on the newly pastel covered comfortable sofa in the living room when my Mom sprang up to resettle herself not realizing she undid the button on her pants for comfort as her pants went streaming to the floor as everyone laughed. I remember after opening the gifts I sat on the floor and played one of the games that my son received for a gift and feeling like a child, yet a Father at the same time and feeling that it just can’t get better than this.

I remember with an unknown future at hand, feeling everything would continue to grow, blossom and reveal itself in splendor as life would continue to be an adventure and everyone would forever enjoy these precious moments together. I remember feeling that nothing would ever come to an end.

I pray to God if he is gracious enough, forgiving enough and generous enough to allow me just a few more times in my life when I can once again live that feeling and arrive at a place in life where I feel it just can’t get better than this.

We Create Our Own Destiny Every Day We Live

2010-04-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

In these days of economic uncertainty a reminder of the code I wish to follow to achieve financial independence.

Required:

Focus and place 100% of your energy into perfecting your plan for success.

Relinquish free time and devote every waking moment towards the steps necessary to achieve the success you desire.

Do not waste precious time involved in activities that are distracting you from achieving your goals but try to have some balance as well.

Live boldly but wisely in every step and decision on the path to your highest goal.

Do not sell yourself short, i.e. the world grants you access to the amount of success and freedom you feel you deserve. Live it, feel it and taste it every waking moment.

Vast amounts of common sense and the ability to know when to rein it in and when to push forward.

Helpful:

A very supportive partner.

Excess monetary means.

The ability to absorb general business concepts.

The energy to perform the necessary tasks and excellent communicative abilities.

Surround yourself with those that have already achieved the success you desire.

The problem is love

2010-03-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how to do life without my parents in it
that is the problem I have come to realize
so now I have to figure out how
after fifty-seven years

I knew I would have to
give myself the love that is missing

And have tried to do that
yet it's been an arduous task

And I realize the truth
that I feel I have never been loved
not truly or without conditions
only from them

So there is a gap
in trying to provide myself the love that is missing
and expecting no one else to ever fill the void

The books will tell you
one must be happy alone
one must love themselves
one cannot expect another to fill the emptiness

and I am trying

My emotions arrive in waves

2010-03-05T20:43:00.001-08:00

Months go by feeling only subtle waves
months go by feeling times of empowerment
then suddenly from the past comes echoes
to touch again and hear once more
to share events and walks and breakfast and life

Tonight is one of those nights
creeping in so slowly and so nonchalant
tonight is one of those nights when I feel so alone
and helpless in this universe of aloneness
filled with no joy but only sadness

Tonight arrived so gently
till the emotions began to swell
bringing memories missed moments
thinking of how much is missed

Tonight arrived so suddenly
tonight is one of those nights
when the tide filled my eyes
and let my mind wander

Tonight is one of those nights
when I wish I were someplace else
and wonder why I am here at all
tonight as my mother used to say
I am feeling blue

Darkest Before The Dawn

2010-02-17T11:28:00.001-08:00

(Cliches you should avoid when writing)
... darkest before the dawn

The year has been a roller coaster
The days passed have been dark
But I am not done living
And I choose to shine...

Shine brightly in the sky
Daytime and nighttime
Focused on creating
Focused on the light

Creating a beautiful life
Creating something that lasts
Creating a legacy
A legacy of light

And to give the hip ones
An excuse...

To wear sunglasses at night

True Loss

2009-03-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

You only know true loss when you've lost someone you have loved, more than yourself, I quote from the academy awards.

Throughout time I understand that billions of people on earth have known it and grieved.

I know others have lost wives, husbands, children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, but none can console the loss and missingness I feel in my loneliest times.

Each day my mind wanders into the pain of aloneness on this journey of life and every night it aches to touch and hear their voices.

I miss you both more than is imaginable and am hoping it will subside into beautiful memories and yet those memories I have as well.

Just miss you both so much.

Someone Elses Words

2008-07-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

I was talking about love with an online friend named Lisa. What she had to say about it I found very prophetic and had to publish it to my blog. This is what a lady in Central California had to share about her feelings concerning the emotion or act of love. I hope you enjoy. In her words;

“I highly recommend that you embrace it. Let go of the sides and drift all the way to the bottom. Forget to protect your heart. Let it have its way despite the risk of injury. The experience will be anything but neutral. The mind is going to fight you here, because it knows the catastrophic aftermath of a bleeding heart, it doesn't want to take the risk.

The unchained heart is like a loose cannon. However, if you take the risk you will find yourself in this unexpected, astonishing reality, a place of ecstasy. And if you get hit, the bleeding starts, the pain, the anguish, utter despair, loss of integrity... the brain will pick you up and flee the suffering. The destination of that flight, although extremely turbulent, will be a place you have never been before. You will find yourself again astonished and amazed. You will thank your heart for all the joy and the subsequent suffering that was so overwhelming that you will forget your fears and find yourself launched forward with intense velocity.”

The Key

2008-06-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that many of my generation of baby boomers are now reaching their fifties and seem to be having a much more difficult time selecting a mate than in the past. Seems that the years may have jaded us, the pain may have shriveled us, disappointments may have wrapped us into a cocoon, preventing us from allowing another into our lives.

With so few years ahead and so many left behind, one would think that it might be different and in many ways I am surprised. It amazes me that some drag their feet in a relationship, not wanting to make a mistake when by following their heart a relationship might develop but by being unwilling to take a chance, the heart will eventually be left for one that is open and loving. How counterproductive it is when many appear to be ‘wanting or desiring’ a good, healthy, loving relationship yet do everything possible not to attain it, making it difficult for another to bond with them.

It surprises me that so many hesitate at the sight of something that could be good for them. Someone who might love and take care of them as they age, giving them everything they ever wanted in life in the committed love arena and removing them from the casual dating scene which many seem to dislike. It can be surprising that at the age of fifty-something, many of us as a generation of single, aging adults have not gotten to a point where we were comfortable removing the walls around us and sharing who we truly are with another without intimidation that we may get hurt or be judged. Who is another to judge another human being anyway and the pain of loneliness echoes loudly at times in the stillness of night and can also be very painful.

We have all suffered pain and loss no doubt by this age, and obviously survived but the next step is to conquer it. To go through pain and suffering is a normal human condition, but to come out undefeated on the other side is a thing of true beauty. I believe there is an incredibly bright, beautiful spirit that resides within us all begging to be freed if only we have the courage to conquer our fears.

We are all magnificent and through acts of our own, such as sabotage and fear, we prevent our spirit from shining brightly for everyone to see. For it is this fear that prevents us from sharing our lives with another and wrapping our souls together like a warm blanket consumed in unconditional love. The fear of harm, pain and failure may keep many of us from living our dreams and filling the void with the positive, nurturing energy of another. Hopefully one day, the fear of loneliness will eventually supersede the other fears and many will start to live again, in love, with another, more deeply than was ever felt before, deeper than they had ever thought was possible.

Grab the key to your heart, open it and allow your magnificence to blind me.

Two Months Today

2008-06-07T16:19:00.001-07:00

And loneliness still strikes daily. As a cloud hanging just above my head suddenly breaks open and rains, and when it rains it gets so dark and painful. Yet some days I am doing so well that I get caught up in the illusion that it has passed and then it feels so hollow, empty and void of love once again.

Days have passed, weeks have passed and today makes two months yet still it looms so low, just above my head, ready to rain with each drop bringing with it tears. How long will this last I ask myself, how long will I be in pain and feel so empty without her, without someone to love and someone who loves me. How long will I remain wrapped in this overwhelming feeling of loss and missing her, challenging myself with the whispered words that I am doing fine today.

This was a good day until something triggered it and the memories and sadness regained their power over my thoughts. Memories so deep and guarded that I keep hidden within the deepest recesses of my mind suddenly reappear at the oddest times. I wish it would just stop. I only hope it continues to get better but it appears that it could take a long time. Alone in my office I think how empty my life is and know this feeling will pass as I focus on work or fun or some semblance of joy that so often remains intermittent. Often felt when I go out and am in the company of others. The distraction of dating is something I look forward to.

Days pass as hours and life keeps drifting by as I try my very best to begin to live again effortlessly without the constant pressure of not knowing when it will strike, of keeping my emotions in check. Not knowing what will trigger the intense emotions of loneliness and loss and the clouds will rise to a new dawn without the darkness. For the sun to rise and rinse away the pain once and for all so I can continue in a way that would make her proud. Today, I am having a hard time. I am sure tonight I will be fine… but never know if that’s an illusion or what the truth will be.

The Game of Life

2008-05-23T05:08:00.001-07:00

It is 4:30 a.m. on Friday morning and I couldn’t sleep. Took ½ Tylenol PM and realize that I have to get my thoughts down on paper before dozing off for a few more hours. In June of this year I will be fifty seven years old as I am reflecting on my life and how I have played this game I call life.

I remember my mother once telling me that when she lost her mother, she never thought she could live without her and now I find myself feeling the same way. The thoughts of my life, my loves, my losses and how I have lived my life are somehow construed this morning as I lie awake with my eyes wide open, much too early, with thoughts just racing across my mind. Wondering how long I will be here to play this game of life. How many more years, how much growth might occur and how much time and loss has passed before my eyes as quickly as a blink.

Concerning the loss of love I have felt from relationships that I truly loved I realize ever so clearly this morning what a shame it all has been. One wrong word or statement and they were over before they even had a chance to blossom into something good, possibly something that had meaning… something that might have lasted the rest of my life. How insignificant those words said in anger or haste actually are compared to the fruits of a lifetime together and how devastating they became in an instant. Wondering why it feels as if two don’t try in relationships these days and have patience and forgiveness with one another. With so few years left on this earth, I would have thought at this age, all of us would have learned that it takes two willing partners who care enough about one another to try just a little bit harder to make a life together with just a little patience, understanding, compassion and forgiveness. Not that I haven’t tried but I continue to try my best and can only own my side in the devastation we call ‘breaking up’ or ‘divorce’.

So, I ask myself at this age, how perfect can I be? How much harder will I have to try before someone will put up with me if that is what it should be called, for the long term, meaning the rest of my life. How many more relationships do I have to lose or will there come a time when I just don’t care anymore. Maybe one day it just won’t matter as there will be so few years left, alone won’t feel that much of an imposition.

I forgive myself as I forgive others and truly feel I am doing my best most of the time to be the best that I can be given the circumstances at any given moment. I wonder if I will meet someone someday who will also forgive themselves and pass that forgiveness on to me as well. At this very early time in the morning as I lie awake wondering if I will ever feel loved the way I would want to be understanding that unconditional love is a sacred gift between parents and children and that is not what I am seeking. I am only asking for patience, forgiveness and commitment to a relationship really. I don’t think it is too much to ask for and maybe one day I will meet the right woman to play this game of life with together who understands it is only a game. The most important game we will ever play but a game never-the-less. If we fail today, does not mean we have failed at life, relationship or marriage but by the grace of God get to pick up the pieces of our mistakes, dust them off and try to do better without losing the game because we are human and born imperfect. Someone who gives second chances because I know I will need them but will never take them for granted and promise to try my very best to overcome their necessity, as I committed to at the beginning of this year, to be the best man I am capable of being.

So, those are my thoughts. How long I will be here, how impatient and quickly society today just throws away friendship, relationship and marriage without even trying. Wondering if I will ever find a woman as committed and forgiving as I have grown to be and just feeling very alone these days without my mother in my life and never believing that I would have to live my life without her. Now I am truly alone and have never felt as empty at times as these. Times when my mind races through all I have loved and lost.

Goodnight, I am going to get a few hours sleep before my day tomorrow. Thank you for listening universe. Your support and assistance in this game of life is always appreciated and I am thankful for all that I have.

Mom Said How Lucky She Is

2008-04-20T16:44:00.000-07:00

On an outing several months ago were heading home after sharing lunch at a Spanish restaurant in the area when we passed one of mother’s friends home and I mentioned that she should call her and visit with her. Mom said, they should go out to lunch and I said, “Yes, I will drive you there and pick you both up.” At this my mother said, “I never thought life would be like this.” I was thinking she was referring to the incapacity of old age, the dependency of a woman getting older and needing others to do her driving, etceteras. I asked her, “What do you mean” and she replied, “I’m so lucky, you do so much for me. All your friends are so nice to me.” I fondly reminisce now, no mom, I couldn’t have been luckier to have you with me for so many years. I miss you so much.

My Prayer For Strength and Assistance

2008-04-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

I just lost my mother.

This most painful experience of my lifetime will remain with me forever. I will never be the same, for the largest part of me died on April 7th at 10:15 a.m. and the pain was and still is overwhelming at times. Something I never thought I would be able to handle, especially alone without love, kindness and support.

This experience has put life and love in concise perspective for at the time I was in a short-term relationship with a woman who left me on the hour of the terminal diagnosis. For the following tragic weeks I was all alone, terrified to deal with the pain with no comfort for the most part although she did spend two afternoons and one night with me and for that I am forever grateful. Having God and my mother in my heart, I know she did the best she could and have complete forgiveness for her, as well as for myself. I know it was not her fault and she was sent to somehow teach me a lesson that I needed to learn.

I feel that many can be cruel at times in their lives, even if unintentionally doing so. I feel that I have been cruel to others unintentionally or inadvertently, maybe out of anger or a lack of compassion and understanding for another. I truly feel all the cruelty I ever bestowed on another individual unintentionally was bestowed upon me at this, the lowest point of my life when I was desperate for support and comfort but received little.

I have now come to terms with the meaning of love and complete forgiveness and understand this to be a lesson or message no matter how painfully it was received and have learned my lesson well, have taken the experience seriously and now pray for assistance with my humanity in giving me patience, love, compassion, understanding and above all kindness, to never treat another human being unkindly, intentionally or unintentionally. I pray for your strength and guidance to comfort me in my alone times and help me to be more tolerant and understanding of others. Please give me patience and help me to be considerate with my words. To treat others with compassion and kindness uncompromised by my humanity I will need your help. I pray for the strength to overcome anger, ignorance, self indulgency, thoughtless actions and words and fill my heart with love. For now I need your support in this determined goal of kindness. For I don’t ever want to devastate another as I have been devastated and to reach this goal I know I will need your help. This has not been an easy journey on earth and I do not want to return for more lessons. In your name I pray. Please help me. Amen.

The Year Begins

2008-01-01T05:08:00.001-08:00

Well it is 4:50 a.m. universe and I know you are waiting to hear from me so considering the night was sleepless I just thought I would extend to you some thoughts about the year that is upon all of us. This year, not unlike many past, I sat in reflection of the choices to be made in the future. Not so much time dwelling in the past, but a conscious effort to indulge myself in thoughts of prosperity and future ambitions as well as a intensive effort to begin the process of growing emotionally.

I am committed to growing patience, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, boldness in an effort to be as magnificent a human being as I possibly can be. I will stay completely out of judgment of others for as the quote a wonderful friend gave me states, “judge not, lest ye be judged”. This phrase has rung so loudly and strong for me this year. Although I have not been in judgment often I see it all around me and find a need to focus on that energy.
The people that I have come into my life this year have been the greatest blessing of all. In a million ways, they have moved me, helped me to grow, come into my life when there was a void and filled it. To them, all of them, I am so grateful and appreciative. In many ways because of them this may have been one of the greatest years of my entire life. The magnitude of their powerful energy and thoughts has been overwhelming and truly helped me not only to cope but to grow in the process, while feeling showered in love and kindness. So, I never expected this to take place but it has and my heart is open and full.

So, the year begins and before I close my eyes I wanted to say thank you to the universe for giving me so much. Thank you for allowing me to be blessed with the graciousness of my loving mother for another year. Thank you for allowing me to sustain myself and her in my home, with heat, food and water. Thank you for all the times that I was driving carelessly talking, not paying attention and somehow you were there for me to keep the wheel straight and guide me. Thank you for the most beautiful cat which stays by my side constantly, even now as I write this so early in the morning, with no sleep. Thank you for all the goodness that has come to me online through so many unbelievably patient, strong, caring and kind people that I have come to know. Thank you for allowing me to persevere in times that there was doubt. Thank you for everything that I have. Thank you for blessing me with good health this past year, and taking such good care of my mother. Thank you for your patience with me as I do my best to become enlightened to the beauty that is mine and surrounds me. Thank you universal power for allowing me another beautiful year on this planet.

Sincerely

2007-09-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning, end of September.Wasn’t it just a few months ago that Christmas was here?

Well, as life passes by so quickly I feel I should have something important to say here, but I do not. Just fondly thinking of all the people I have met online.How very unique each one is and how much I appreciate their friendship, relationship and company. So many unique characteristics and so many good hearts looking for a home.

I’ve found myself very trusting lately and I really do not want to stop. I can’t think of a better way to live a life than to open one self up to another and trust that they will appreciate the sincere honesty. Oh, that reminds me, I have learned so much from this experience of meeting friends through the vast internet. How about this?

So you know where sincere was derived from? Like how we might close a letter with sincerely. Well, I am going to tell you now. It means, 'Without Wax' when the Greeks used to carve out the statues, when they made a mistake they would fill it with wax. So when it was perfect it was sincere!! See, we learn something new every now and again thanks to my online buddy.

Now, where was I. Oh, yes, feeling like I wish it were summer time and I were at the beach. My goal this year is to create a lifestyle where I might have summers off. Wouldn’t that be nice if I can have a few businesses running and with another’s assistance maybe be able to take summer’s off. Well, that is my goal, along with pay off my house.

In the meantime, the mortgage payment arrives timely each month, I am sitting inside, in front of the computer today and it’s not summer but winter, and a little chilly outside. So it goes.

Sincerely, Allen

Improve One Self

2007-09-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

I was spending time thinking about improvement this morning.

It seems to me that we as human beings spend too much time thinking about what others or the world can do for us and too little time focusing on how we can improve ourselves and become better people.

Well, I am here to say that it occurs to me and I am sure millions of others that it is not about ‘how the world can cater to our whims’ but more about ‘how we can cater to the world’s needs’.

So, what does this mean?

I guess it could mean that if we concentrate on others instead of ourselves, others, meaning the whole world will provide everything we ever dreamt of in appreciation.

I had an incredible weekend and am now refreshed.

Having not won the lottery today, I guess my gifts to the universe will be those that are not of monetary value this week.

But alas, I will continue to focus on improvement because that is what is required of me at this time.

Not a thought is mine, just a message from the spiritual universe, so the message today is improvement.

What can I do for others is what is on my mind this morning.

Oh, don’t forget that in improving yourself… growing, learning, and achieving, you also are able then to assist others, so never feel selfish in those endeavors, just remain in gratitude and improve yourself at every given opportunity.

Allen

California Beaches

2007-08-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach yesterday and it was good.

But I was thinking about what it means to me.

I think California beaches are highly underrated.

While it is true, we don’t have white sand as Florida or warm water as Grand Cayman Island.

It is still ours, to enjoy and to remember always, that we can go there if we want.

But how many thoughts run through my mind as I sit on the sand.

So many times and stories are connected to the beach… or should I say the ocean in its entirety.

When in high school, I slept there, building a makeshift sand bar up against the cliffs of Point Dume in Malibu.

All was well till sometime around three a.m. when the water came crashing over us, as we hurriedly scrambled for warmth straight up the cliffs to our car where we spent the rest of the night partying. In the morning only to see our towels and blankets strewn up the side of the cliff.

I remember hearing a story right before a scuba diving adventure off Nassau Island where one of the local ‘deep’ divers went down well over a hundred feet which is the normal limit for a casual diver with his buddy. The story goes that they may have been two hundred feet deep or more but the only one to surface was the buddy of this fellow. The fellow’s body was never found and was always thought to be an intentional murder by the townspeople.

Then I remember laying on Point Dume beach with a buddy from my first ‘real’ job at Lynda Ann Sportswear in North Hollywood. His name was Howard and before CDs there were cassettes. We used to take a boom box with about fifty cassettes and we thought it was cool. We would play Supertramp and Billy Joel blasting so the folks would have to move away forming a perfect circle around us. Funny how as a kid you might find behavior fulfilling and cool but after growing up, it just seems so rude. But that is what happened and again, I haven’t forgotten.

I recall meeting my son and his mother on Point Dume beach as well. Remember picking up my friend Warren from his house, going to the beach and deciding to take a walk where I stumbled across them. With a feeble attempt at some attention I said something to the affect of ‘hey you’ and they said ‘hello’ back as odd as it seems. We all three sat down on the beach where after a while, Chris my son who was seven years old at the time, wrote their phone number down on a piece of paper and handed it to me as he gave a rendition of ‘Mockingbird’ slapping his hand in the sand for a beat. You see, he was always talented his entire life, genuine, loving and charming. I instantly fell in love with him and my life was forever changed.

I recall everything as I lie on the beach, man moments and stories that have been told but only one is in the forefront of my mind. My Father who passed away two years ago was cremated and cast to sea and this is where I go to visit and remember him. I say a prayer and hope he is listening, knowing that I will see him again one day I am sure. And this is really a nice place for a memorial I truly believe. Much better than a cemetery which is questionably run by someone you may not even like. The ocean was created by God if that is one’s belief. It is magnificent, glorious and bountiful as it’s shores reach far and wide.

Whenever I look at the ocean I will forever think of my Dad. God bless him as anyone who knew him would feel blessed in his presence. Imperfect yes but with small qualities of compassion, sensitivity and humor which surpassed most men’s attributes. He was always faithful and never left the family. Extremely sensitive and wouldn’t hurt a fly. Never raised his voice in anger and was hardly ever angry. He loved my Mother with all of his heart and it showed immensely. He was a role model in many ways and I loved him.

So, that was my day at the beach as my thoughts ran through my mind of how very beautiful a day it really was!

Allen

Conclusion on communication

2007-08-22T20:34:00.001-07:00

Communication defined by the dictionary is ‘the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing or signs. Now that sounds easy enough! Yes, after fifty six years of experience in communication it is amazing when I fail at it. Sometimes I have found myself assuming things and judging things and expecting things.

This can be a problem! After so many years I still find myself living in my ego so to speak. Falling into a sense of entitlement, like someone or somebody ‘owes me something’. Wow, what a ridiculous place to be! I know I have already learned a thing or two and still, I fail and fall into ego driven patterns. Such a shame when it happens. You see, on careful analysis it appears to me that nobody… no one owes me anything! I realize that I am just grateful to be alive! To be breathing air and having a roof over my head, wonderful people, friends and family, love and so many blessings I can’t even count them all. You see, when I get my head together it is all so clear, so easily found and acknowledged, yet still I sometimes forget. Yep, forget how beautiful the day is or how wonderful my girlfriend is to me. How my mother is still with me after eight seven years and dozens of close calls. How I am a survivor today. How very much I have to be grateful for.

So, I apologize to the universe for allowing my silly ego get in the way last weekend. I apologize that I had expectations and should have had none. I apologize that I was rude. I apologize that I took just about everything for granted for a few hours, including my entire life. I apologize to my best friend.

So, I have to stop writing for tonight cause I can see my ‘gratitude’ stone ready for me to touch… and be grateful.

Allen

100% Intention

2007-06-18T21:50:00.001-07:00

I live my life with complete intention and actually have never been happier. With thoughts speeding across my mind I write this simple blog as a reminder to the universe that if you want anything anytime one must have complete and total intention and it will happen. I know this because it works for me. My entire life has been lead by my thoughts of intention and all have come true. All the dreams, aspirations and desires were all fulfilled and will continue to be fulfilled throughout my life because I will not accept defeat but will continue to receive all of the benefits that are mine through the act of my intention. I hope you do too!

Allen