Two Months Today

And loneliness still strikes daily. As a cloud hanging just above my head suddenly breaks open and rains, and when it rains it gets so dark and painful. Yet some days I am doing so well that I get caught up in the illusion that it has passed and then it feels so hollow, empty and void of love once again.

Days have passed, weeks have passed and today makes two months yet still it looms so low, just above my head, ready to rain with each drop bringing with it tears. How long will this last I ask myself, how long will I be in pain and feel so empty without her, without someone to love and someone who loves me. How long will I remain wrapped in this overwhelming feeling of loss and missing her, challenging myself with the whispered words that I am doing fine today.

This was a good day until something triggered it and the memories and sadness regained their power over my thoughts. Memories so deep and guarded that I keep hidden within the deepest recesses of my mind suddenly reappear at the oddest times. I wish it would just stop. I only hope it continues to get better but it appears that it could take a long time. Alone in my office I think how empty my life is and know this feeling will pass as I focus on work or fun or some semblance of joy that so often remains intermittent. Often felt when I go out and am in the company of others. The distraction of dating is something I look forward to.

Days pass as hours and life keeps drifting by as I try my very best to begin to live again effortlessly without the constant pressure of not knowing when it will strike, of keeping my emotions in check. Not knowing what will trigger the intense emotions of loneliness and loss and the clouds will rise to a new dawn without the darkness. For the sun to rise and rinse away the pain once and for all so I can continue in a way that would make her proud. Today, I am having a hard time. I am sure tonight I will be fine… but never know if that’s an illusion or what the truth will be.