an open letter to the universe

I remember getting home from work, closing the company for the evening after yet another interesting and productive day on the way to achieving success I had only hoped for and changing into a bathing suit and jumping into the newly tiled spa in the backyard. I remember my wife at the time, joining as well and then my son who came following her out the beveled and leaded sliding oak patio doors.

I remember swirling around in the spa, creating a current with my son as we played together before we lied back and relaxed as the water swirled it’s patterns around our bodies. I remember looking up at the two story house we had purchased with my entire future yet to unfold and thinking that it just can’t get better than this.

I remember waiting for my parents to arrive for Christmas Eve with Mom and Dad bringing present after present to place under the tree in the living room before settling in for a candle lit dinner in the dining room. I remember picking up the dishes after the meal and conversation and piling them into the dishwasher in preparation for the gift opening to begin. I remember Mom and Dad sitting on the newly pastel covered comfortable sofa in the living room when my Mom sprang up to resettle herself not realizing she undid the button on her pants for comfort as her pants went streaming to the floor as everyone laughed. I remember after opening the gifts I sat on the floor and played one of the games that my son received for a gift and feeling like a child, yet a Father at the same time and feeling that it just can’t get better than this.

I remember with an unknown future at hand, feeling everything would continue to grow, blossom and reveal itself in splendor as life would continue to be an adventure and everyone would forever enjoy these precious moments together. I remember feeling that nothing would ever come to an end.

I pray to God if he is gracious enough, forgiving enough and generous enough to allow me just a few more times in my life when I can once again live that feeling and arrive at a place in life where I feel it just can’t get better than this.

We Create Our Own Destiny Every Day We Live

In these days of economic uncertainty a reminder of the code I wish to follow to achieve financial independence.

Required:

Focus and place 100% of your energy into perfecting your plan for success.

Relinquish free time and devote every waking moment towards the steps necessary to achieve the success you desire.

Do not waste precious time involved in activities that are distracting you from achieving your goals but try to have some balance as well.

Live boldly but wisely in every step and decision on the path to your highest goal.

Do not sell yourself short, i.e. the world grants you access to the amount of success and freedom you feel you deserve. Live it, feel it and taste it every waking moment.

Vast amounts of common sense and the ability to know when to rein it in and when to push forward.

Helpful:

A very supportive partner.

Excess monetary means.

The ability to absorb general business concepts.

The energy to perform the necessary tasks and excellent communicative abilities.

Surround yourself with those that have already achieved the success you desire.

The problem is love

I don’t know how to do life without my parents in it
that is the problem I have come to realize
so now I have to figure out how
after fifty-seven years

I knew I would have to
give myself the love that is missing

And have tried to do that
yet it's been an arduous task

And I realize the truth
that I feel I have never been loved
not truly or without conditions
only from them

So there is a gap
in trying to provide myself the love that is missing
and expecting no one else to ever fill the void

The books will tell you
one must be happy alone
one must love themselves
one cannot expect another to fill the emptiness

and I am trying

My emotions arrive in waves

Months go by feeling only subtle waves
months go by feeling times of empowerment
then suddenly from the past comes echoes
to touch again and hear once more
to share events and walks and breakfast and life

Tonight is one of those nights
creeping in so slowly and so nonchalant
tonight is one of those nights when I feel so alone
and helpless in this universe of aloneness
filled with no joy but only sadness

Tonight arrived so gently
till the emotions began to swell
bringing memories missed moments
thinking of how much is missed

Tonight arrived so suddenly
tonight is one of those nights
when the tide filled my eyes
and let my mind wander

Tonight is one of those nights
when I wish I were someplace else
and wonder why I am here at all
tonight as my mother used to say
I am feeling blue

Darkest Before The Dawn

(Cliches you should avoid when writing)
... darkest before the dawn

The year has been a roller coaster
The days passed have been dark
But I am not done living
And I choose to shine...

Shine brightly in the sky
Daytime and nighttime
Focused on creating
Focused on the light

Creating a beautiful life
Creating something that lasts
Creating a legacy
A legacy of light

And to give the hip ones
An excuse...

To wear sunglasses at night

True Loss

You only know true loss when you've lost someone you have loved, more than yourself, I quote from the academy awards.

Throughout time I understand that billions of people on earth have known it and grieved.

I know others have lost wives, husbands, children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, but none can console the loss and missingness I feel in my loneliest times.

Each day my mind wanders into the pain of aloneness on this journey of life and every night it aches to touch and hear their voices.

I miss you both more than is imaginable and am hoping it will subside into beautiful memories and yet those memories I have as well.

Just miss you both so much.

Someone Elses Words

I was talking about love with an online friend named Lisa. What she had to say about it I found very prophetic and had to publish it to my blog. This is what a lady in Central California had to share about her feelings concerning the emotion or act of love. I hope you enjoy. In her words;

“I highly recommend that you embrace it. Let go of the sides and drift all the way to the bottom. Forget to protect your heart. Let it have its way despite the risk of injury. The experience will be anything but neutral. The mind is going to fight you here, because it knows the catastrophic aftermath of a bleeding heart, it doesn't want to take the risk.

The unchained heart is like a loose cannon. However, if you take the risk you will find yourself in this unexpected, astonishing reality, a place of ecstasy. And if you get hit, the bleeding starts, the pain, the anguish, utter despair, loss of integrity... the brain will pick you up and flee the suffering. The destination of that flight, although extremely turbulent, will be a place you have never been before. You will find yourself again astonished and amazed. You will thank your heart for all the joy and the subsequent suffering that was so overwhelming that you will forget your fears and find yourself launched forward with intense velocity.”

The Key

It occurs to me that many of my generation of baby boomers are now reaching their fifties and seem to be having a much more difficult time selecting a mate than in the past.  Seems that the years may have jaded us, the pain may have shriveled us, disappointments may have wrapped us into a cocoon, preventing us from allowing another into our lives.

With so few years ahead and so many left behind, one would think that it might be different and in many ways I am surprised.  It amazes me that some drag their feet in a relationship, not wanting to make a mistake when by following their heart a relationship might develop but by being unwilling to take a chance, the heart will eventually be left for one that is open and loving.  How counterproductive it is when many appear to be ‘wanting or desiring’ a good, healthy, loving relationship yet do everything possible not to attain it, making it difficult for another to bond with them.   

It surprises me that so many hesitate at the sight of something that could be good for them.  Someone who might love and take care of them as they age, giving them everything they ever wanted in life in the committed love arena and removing them from the casual dating scene which many seem to dislike.  It can be surprising that at the age of fifty-something, many of us as a generation of single, aging adults have not gotten to a point where we were comfortable removing the walls around us and sharing who we truly are with another without intimidation that we may get hurt or be judged.  Who is another to judge another human being anyway and the pain of loneliness echoes loudly at times in the stillness of night and can also be very painful.

We have all suffered pain and loss no doubt by this age, and obviously survived but the next step is to conquer it.  To go through pain and suffering is a normal human condition, but to come out undefeated on the other side is a thing of true beauty.  I believe there is an incredibly bright, beautiful spirit that resides within us all begging to be freed if only we have the courage to conquer our fears. 

We are all magnificent and through acts of our own, such as sabotage and fear, we prevent our spirit from shining brightly for everyone to see.  For it is this fear that prevents us from sharing our lives with another and wrapping our souls together like a warm blanket consumed in unconditional love.  The fear of harm, pain and failure may keep many of us from living our dreams and filling the void with the positive, nurturing energy of another.  Hopefully one day, the fear of loneliness will eventually supersede the other fears and many will start to live again, in love, with another, more deeply than was ever felt before, deeper than they had ever thought was possible.     

Grab the key to your heart, open it and allow your magnificence to blind me.