The Game of Life

It is 4:30 a.m. on Friday morning and I couldn’t sleep. Took ½ Tylenol PM and realize that I have to get my thoughts down on paper before dozing off for a few more hours. In June of this year I will be fifty seven years old as I am reflecting on my life and how I have played this game I call life.

I remember my mother once telling me that when she lost her mother, she never thought she could live without her and now I find myself feeling the same way. The thoughts of my life, my loves, my losses and how I have lived my life are somehow construed this morning as I lie awake with my eyes wide open, much too early, with thoughts just racing across my mind. Wondering how long I will be here to play this game of life. How many more years, how much growth might occur and how much time and loss has passed before my eyes as quickly as a blink.

Concerning the loss of love I have felt from relationships that I truly loved I realize ever so clearly this morning what a shame it all has been. One wrong word or statement and they were over before they even had a chance to blossom into something good, possibly something that had meaning… something that might have lasted the rest of my life. How insignificant those words said in anger or haste actually are compared to the fruits of a lifetime together and how devastating they became in an instant. Wondering why it feels as if two don’t try in relationships these days and have patience and forgiveness with one another. With so few years left on this earth, I would have thought at this age, all of us would have learned that it takes two willing partners who care enough about one another to try just a little bit harder to make a life together with just a little patience, understanding, compassion and forgiveness. Not that I haven’t tried but I continue to try my best and can only own my side in the devastation we call ‘breaking up’ or ‘divorce’.

So, I ask myself at this age, how perfect can I be? How much harder will I have to try before someone will put up with me if that is what it should be called, for the long term, meaning the rest of my life. How many more relationships do I have to lose or will there come a time when I just don’t care anymore. Maybe one day it just won’t matter as there will be so few years left, alone won’t feel that much of an imposition.

I forgive myself as I forgive others and truly feel I am doing my best most of the time to be the best that I can be given the circumstances at any given moment. I wonder if I will meet someone someday who will also forgive themselves and pass that forgiveness on to me as well. At this very early time in the morning as I lie awake wondering if I will ever feel loved the way I would want to be understanding that unconditional love is a sacred gift between parents and children and that is not what I am seeking. I am only asking for patience, forgiveness and commitment to a relationship really. I don’t think it is too much to ask for and maybe one day I will meet the right woman to play this game of life with together who understands it is only a game. The most important game we will ever play but a game never-the-less. If we fail today, does not mean we have failed at life, relationship or marriage but by the grace of God get to pick up the pieces of our mistakes, dust them off and try to do better without losing the game because we are human and born imperfect. Someone who gives second chances because I know I will need them but will never take them for granted and promise to try my very best to overcome their necessity, as I committed to at the beginning of this year, to be the best man I am capable of being.

So, those are my thoughts. How long I will be here, how impatient and quickly society today just throws away friendship, relationship and marriage without even trying. Wondering if I will ever find a woman as committed and forgiving as I have grown to be and just feeling very alone these days without my mother in my life and never believing that I would have to live my life without her. Now I am truly alone and have never felt as empty at times as these. Times when my mind races through all I have loved and lost.

Goodnight, I am going to get a few hours sleep before my day tomorrow. Thank you for listening universe. Your support and assistance in this game of life is always appreciated and I am thankful for all that I have.