The Key

It occurs to me that many of my generation of baby boomers are now reaching their fifties and seem to be having a much more difficult time selecting a mate than in the past.  Seems that the years may have jaded us, the pain may have shriveled us, disappointments may have wrapped us into a cocoon, preventing us from allowing another into our lives.

With so few years ahead and so many left behind, one would think that it might be different and in many ways I am surprised.  It amazes me that some drag their feet in a relationship, not wanting to make a mistake when by following their heart a relationship might develop but by being unwilling to take a chance, the heart will eventually be left for one that is open and loving.  How counterproductive it is when many appear to be ‘wanting or desiring’ a good, healthy, loving relationship yet do everything possible not to attain it, making it difficult for another to bond with them.   

It surprises me that so many hesitate at the sight of something that could be good for them.  Someone who might love and take care of them as they age, giving them everything they ever wanted in life in the committed love arena and removing them from the casual dating scene which many seem to dislike.  It can be surprising that at the age of fifty-something, many of us as a generation of single, aging adults have not gotten to a point where we were comfortable removing the walls around us and sharing who we truly are with another without intimidation that we may get hurt or be judged.  Who is another to judge another human being anyway and the pain of loneliness echoes loudly at times in the stillness of night and can also be very painful.

We have all suffered pain and loss no doubt by this age, and obviously survived but the next step is to conquer it.  To go through pain and suffering is a normal human condition, but to come out undefeated on the other side is a thing of true beauty.  I believe there is an incredibly bright, beautiful spirit that resides within us all begging to be freed if only we have the courage to conquer our fears. 

We are all magnificent and through acts of our own, such as sabotage and fear, we prevent our spirit from shining brightly for everyone to see.  For it is this fear that prevents us from sharing our lives with another and wrapping our souls together like a warm blanket consumed in unconditional love.  The fear of harm, pain and failure may keep many of us from living our dreams and filling the void with the positive, nurturing energy of another.  Hopefully one day, the fear of loneliness will eventually supersede the other fears and many will start to live again, in love, with another, more deeply than was ever felt before, deeper than they had ever thought was possible.     

Grab the key to your heart, open it and allow your magnificence to blind me.

 

Two Months Today

And loneliness still strikes daily. As a cloud hanging just above my head suddenly breaks open and rains, and when it rains it gets so dark and painful. Yet some days I am doing so well that I get caught up in the illusion that it has passed and then it feels so hollow, empty and void of love once again.

Days have passed, weeks have passed and today makes two months yet still it looms so low, just above my head, ready to rain with each drop bringing with it tears. How long will this last I ask myself, how long will I be in pain and feel so empty without her, without someone to love and someone who loves me. How long will I remain wrapped in this overwhelming feeling of loss and missing her, challenging myself with the whispered words that I am doing fine today.

This was a good day until something triggered it and the memories and sadness regained their power over my thoughts. Memories so deep and guarded that I keep hidden within the deepest recesses of my mind suddenly reappear at the oddest times. I wish it would just stop. I only hope it continues to get better but it appears that it could take a long time. Alone in my office I think how empty my life is and know this feeling will pass as I focus on work or fun or some semblance of joy that so often remains intermittent. Often felt when I go out and am in the company of others. The distraction of dating is something I look forward to.

Days pass as hours and life keeps drifting by as I try my very best to begin to live again effortlessly without the constant pressure of not knowing when it will strike, of keeping my emotions in check. Not knowing what will trigger the intense emotions of loneliness and loss and the clouds will rise to a new dawn without the darkness. For the sun to rise and rinse away the pain once and for all so I can continue in a way that would make her proud. Today, I am having a hard time. I am sure tonight I will be fine… but never know if that’s an illusion or what the truth will be.