The problem is love

I don’t know how to do life without my parents in it
that is the problem I have come to realize
so now I have to figure out how
after fifty-seven years

I knew I would have to
give myself the love that is missing

And have tried to do that
yet it's been an arduous task

And I realize the truth
that I feel I have never been loved
not truly or without conditions
only from them

So there is a gap
in trying to provide myself the love that is missing
and expecting no one else to ever fill the void

The books will tell you
one must be happy alone
one must love themselves
one cannot expect another to fill the emptiness

and I am trying

My emotions arrive in waves

Months go by feeling only subtle waves
months go by feeling times of empowerment
then suddenly from the past comes echoes
to touch again and hear once more
to share events and walks and breakfast and life

Tonight is one of those nights
creeping in so slowly and so nonchalant
tonight is one of those nights when I feel so alone
and helpless in this universe of aloneness
filled with no joy but only sadness

Tonight arrived so gently
till the emotions began to swell
bringing memories missed moments
thinking of how much is missed

Tonight arrived so suddenly
tonight is one of those nights
when the tide filled my eyes
and let my mind wander

Tonight is one of those nights
when I wish I were someplace else
and wonder why I am here at all
tonight as my mother used to say
I am feeling blue